I am here to put another update on my recovery.
I’m doing well, haven’t done anything. That being said, Sunday was a bad day for my recovery. I wanted to commit suicide, cut, stop eating or all of the above. I can say that I did one of the above, which was stop eating. I threw away my lunch, nibbled at my dinner because my sister got suspicious and I didn’t eat anything today, but I forced myself to eat something a few hours ago, after everything I went through Sunday had cooled down. It was less of wanting to lose weight (although I did think about stop eating completely to lose weight) and more of a way to make me suffer.
Apart from that, I haven’t had any relapses or anything. I’ve been looking at universities that I can go to after I graduate and take a gap year. Something far enough so I can live on campus and get away from my family, which have been a huge problem, as far as my recovery goes. I know college tends to cause stress and stress is a huge reason why people cut, but I feel like if I’m as good (recovery wise) as I am in two years, when I go to college, then I think I won’t relapse. I’ll have to worry more about over-exercising. I want to be a police officer, so I’ll need to become fit so I can pass the physical assessment test and I’ll start really working out during college and I feel like that will be a bigger problem than cutting. Over-exercising, I mean.
If I can work out a healthy amount and be a little more time-managed, so as to lessen my chances of becoming stressed, then I think college would be the best decision I’ll make for a long time. I’m really looking forward to that.
And that’s really it. I’m happy how good I am right now. A year ago, I didn’t think it was possible that I would be able to recover. I was overwhelmed, and thought that my cutting and depression defined who I was as a person. I seriously thought people would remember as the sad, depressed girl who cut herself, but I realize now that even a stupid joke can really make a person remember who you truly are.
Hey everybody! Firstly, I want to say I’m so sorry for not updating lately. I’ve taken some time off of this blog to heal myself, because I considered it sort of a trigger. I’d like to update you on my life.
I truly consider myself recovered for the most part. Both from cutting and depression. I’ve talked with my friend and after examining myself as a whole, I realized how bad of a place I was in and worked on healing myself, hence why I left this blog for so long. I never went to a treatment center or got a therapist, it was all just me working on myself and I’m proud to say it worked very well. I’m thankful that it did, because I know it’s not like that for everyone suffering.
I feel happy enough to let a man into my life, if the opportunity were to come up. I use to want a boy and say how ‘I’d feel much happier if I had one in my life’ but when I examined myself, I realized how unhealthy it would to bring a boy into my emotional issues and I sort of cooled down on that topic. Now I feel healthy enough to date someone. I’ve got a date with someone on Saturday, so who knows. What are the odds that the first date I’ve been on in years is after I’ve officially considered myself recovered?
Now that being said, I know I’m still recovering in a sense. I know that a magical fairy didn’t come down and magically recover me one day. It was a thing I realized over the course of weeks, and I truly realized it when I was upset once and the first thought that came in my head was to write about it in my journal, not cut. But I know that it’s not always going to be like that. I know there will be times where I’ll want to cut, but I feel like I’m in a much healthier place than before that I won’t even get far enough to grab something sharp. I’m just too focused on my emotional health that I don’t want to do anything to damage it.
And so I wrote this, not only to update you all, but to let those who are still suffering know recovery is possible. I know you hear it all the time, and you may not believe it (I didn’t either), but it is. I won’t say “now go get help” or anything like that, because you won’t get help unless you want it. That’s why I relapsed so often, because I wasn’t mentally ready to give it up then. But I’m saying that when you are in that place where you are ready, don’t let the thought that you can’t recover hold you back, because you can recover. It may take some time and it’ll probably hurt like hell for awhile but you just need to remind yourself what’s important in your life.
I haven’t cut yet again, so it’s 3 months now. I’m really proud of this try, way more than the other. Obviously I want to cut.
One night, I had a dream that I had a brand new razor and I pressed it against my skin very gently, just to tease myself but I pierced my skin and started bleeding. I woke up in the middle of the night and started crying and tried to convince myself to cut, that it would be my little secret, no one would have to know. But thankfully I laid back down and fell asleep.
It’s really overwhelming and it’s bad because anything can trigger me. Even the word “cut” or “cutting” is a trigger. I try to avoid saying the word cut and I’ll use other words, even if they don’t make sense. There’s something about hearing me saying it that scares me, like I’ll grab whatever is sharp nearby and cut right then and there or that my family will remember my cutting (they think I stopped and haven’t cut since they found out) and talk to me about it, which is a huge fear of mine. I want to go to therapy but I don’t want to tell them or them to talk to me.
Ehh, so that’s it lately. I’m hoping this next few days are going to be okay. I’m going to stay with my sister and mom while they’re on my sisters movie set and there’s something about them that makes me want to cut ten times more. I’m trying to avoid packing anything sharp but I’ll find something if I’m determined, obviously.
Hey everybody, time to update about things over here. I guess the most important is that I haven’t cut yet. I’m really proud of myself for that. It’s been a month now.
It isn’t going to last long.
I’ve been feeling really bad suicidal thoughts lately. Last night I wrote my suicide note, and right when I was about to go through with it, I listened to a Nat and Alex Wolff song and right when it started playing, everything felt at peace. I felt really relaxed and like nothing would ever go wrong, ever again. I closed my eyes and just imagined this is how it’s going to be when I die… I just knew it. But I thought of Shane Dawson and I watched a few videos of him about suicide and I couldn’t go through with it. Hmm. I would go in more detail about that but I don’t want to sound too lame and emotional because he really means a lot to me.
I also told myself I want treatment. I knew I needed therapy since I first tried to stop, but this was… honest. My thoughts about what kind hasn’t changed. I want to go to an inpatient treatment program. My family doesn’t understand what exactly triggers me and pretty much anything can and just… lots of other things. I just think I’m past a therapist now.
Ehh so basically… I want to cut a whole lot and that’s it.
This Saturday is my sister’s wedding. I’m a bridesmaid and I’m terrified. Not of falling on my way down the aisle, because we’re wearing Converse and I’d be stupid to trip over in those, not because of messing something up, but because I’m scared my scars will show. Not my new ones, the dress covers up those (they’re on my legs), but my old ones. They’re not fully faded away and I’m just worried that at just the right angle, they’ll come out or she’ll seem them. The photographer is my youth pastor’s wife and it’d just be a bummer for her to see them. Time to buy myself a lot of make-up to cover it up. I just need to remind myself to make sure I don’t wash my hands too crazy, lol.
Lately everything has been crap, honestly. I thought after awhile things would be better and it was just me being dramatic but it’s not. Obviously there was a few times things felt alright but stuff happens and it reminds me that it really isn’t. Thankfully I haven’t cut. It reminds me how strong I really am when I go through a tough day like today, yesterday and the day before that (and so on) without cutting. That has to be one of the best things about recovery, thinking “Wow, if I got through today without cutting, I can surely not cut tomorrow and the day after that”. I feel like I stopped only because I felt guilty, but I feel so much stronger than last time. I feel like if I try hard enough, I can actually recover, atleast for a little longer this time.
At the same time, I feel like I’ll cut again soon. It goes both ways I guess.
I want to recover so badly. I hate hiding my arms, I hate having to live with my days being ‘alright’ instead of ‘awesome’ or ‘amazing’, I hate everything about it but I love the feeling and the fact that I’m in control for even just a moment.
30 day self harm challenge
12. Where you keep your tools.
I actually keep them scattered, like honestly I’ve never used a razor, I’ve always just cut really deep to make up for it. I’ve never been given the opportunity to have one. So whatever is available that has a sharp edge.
30 day self harm challenge
11. Strangest place you’ve injured yourself (park, school, etc)?
There isn’t one. It’s always been my bathroom. Whether that be the bathroom in California or Texas, it’s always been the bathroom. I’ve scratched myself a few times in the car but never full-out INJURED myself.
30 day self harm challenge
10. How I feel about my scars:
Depends. If it’s cold, I disregard them and sometimes in warm weather, the scars don’t stick out too much since they’re fading but they’re still a pain to look at and know what I did. I wish I did it on my leg all along, it’d save me a lot of trouble.
Before I start this vent, I need to clarify that I met my best friend through the Internet. We met on a forum in 2009 of this month and we’ve kind of just clicked.
Lately my best friend has gotten close to a guy. He also met her through the same forum that I met her, since we’re all active members of the forum. He met her sometime this year and she’s said before that he can get annoying sometimes, but that was a few months back and she hasn’t said anything about him lately, other than seeing them talk to each other through threads on the forum. I mostly see him post on threads saying how lucky he is to have Ashley as a friend. I feel so threatened, like at any second my best friend will be snatched right before my eyes. I want to be a good friend and support her friendship with him but I just can’t. I can support her friendship with anyone else but he seems like a threat.
The 19th will be our 2 year “friendaversary”, and I feel like we’re super close but lately, everything seems to think otherwise. I hadn’t heard from her in a few days and all the while I was waiting for a message back from her, he was posting about how great she was. He’s remained in contact with her while I’ve been tossed to the side. I made a post that said today was a bad day and she messaged me. She told me a family member passed away and everything just got really busy over there and that’s why she didn’t message me back but if she can keep talking to this other friend, why can’t she atleast message me a quick one saying why she’s busy, so I’m not getting jealous over someone else being her friend? Either way, I’m jealous and I hate feeling like it, because I know we’re very close to the point where I don’t think she’ll replace me but it’s still possible, I guess. :( Ugh, first world problems I guess.
Today was a hard day not to cut. Yeah, I’ve decided to try to stop cutting but I don’t think this’ll last long. It’s just to see if I can. Though if I didn’t cut today, everything might seem easy compared to it. Everything just has been crap lately and I want to just crawl into bed and wake up when everything over here has cleared up.
